i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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