it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
the day after is always just damage control
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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