Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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