I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
