He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
