Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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