if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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