Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
