You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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