what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
