proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Randomize
