I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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