I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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