I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
