So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
