I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
