oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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