I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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