Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
