Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
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