how can u be prego again
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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