i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
