One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
