dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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