So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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