Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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