Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
