This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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