Will you blow on my dice?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
