I look better un-naked...
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
