I just pynch a tree in the face
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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