You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize