DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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