Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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