I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
