Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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