at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
did i walk over a car last night?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
