Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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