seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
