2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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