like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
