There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize