you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
