don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
