Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Your penis caused this!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
