oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Randomize
