Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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