Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize