I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
