I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
