his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize