I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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