I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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