you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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