last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize