Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
