So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
