i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
