i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
