I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Is it because I queefed?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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