wanna go halves on a baby?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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