Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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